I am 29 year old India girl in relationship with a guy from different caste. My parents keep rejecting the guy with baseless reasons. I feel fed up to even live. What should I do?
Michele Scales, BS Social Sciences/Psychology, Artist, Writer, Inventor
You’re old enough to have life experience. You probably know in your heart that some systems are toxic. Meant to control and manipulate. Some are liberating, and empowering. Which do you want to live by?
You can't change other people. At best you can coexist in peace. But that does not happen often. Usually there is at least one person determined to herd you like livestock, keep you in your place, bring you down. Beware of that person. They will suck the life right out of you. Avoid them until you have impowered yourself with freedom and choice.
You should get to know yourself better than anyone? Learn to chose what's best for you. People come and go (including your guy friends). Who is left will always be you.
Look at all the facts objectively. Decide what you agree with because you could leave one messed up “system” for another. Raise your standards based on you and not the “caste” system. You are not an object to be used for others to have pride in or for others to be pulled up with. You are a person with a soul.
Guard your heart, it is the source of your soul! Are you safe either way? That should be your priority: getting to a safe place. I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Get practice honoring and respecting yourself. Put distance between yourself and unhealthy relationships of all types.
When you run into road blocks don't try to fight alone. It will wear you down and make you depressed. Sometimes it's better to walk away from people and situations that are bad for you. Have faith in yourself!
About being 29. You're now living the best years of your life! Don't waste them. Make your dreams and then make them a reality! Don't be pressured by societies norms. Make your own norms.
Sometimes, we really need to wonder that how come such problems still exist in our society. To solve such a type of problem actually needs lot of emotional energy.
It is good to solve these type of problems with good emotional and rational ways then extending the differences.
1.) You need to ensure that your parents are not hurt or feel sad or think that due to the guy you are constantly arguing with them.
2.) First, give them the assurance that you love them, (I donot know if you are the only daughter of the family), you own your responsibility and are mature to take your decisions. If possible, take support from your close relatives / siblings/ friends in convincing them.
3.) Knowing the change in their attitude, ask them to meet the guy for some months and try showing them the good aspects in him.
4.) Also, make an attempt to get to know the guy more than you him.
5.) You need to balance more relationship - parental and with the guy harmoniously.
6.) Stay strong and be positive. Positivity and happiness can bring the change and be good tool in this period of test.
译文来源：三泰虎 http://www.gremelin.com/46925.html 译者：Jessica.Wu
Lisa Beccia, divorced, and alone for a reason
I’m not Indian, and I live in the USA, but I believe that our own experiences with interracial relationships has a correlation to what you’re experiencing now with inter-caste prejudice.
I believe that the restrictions on the caste-based society your parents grew up in are coloring their perceptions of how well you as a couple will be accepted in today’s society. Perhaps they don’t see the difference in how the world is today compared to when they grew up.
Then again, they also have a perspective that you can’t appreciate yet, since it’s based on experience. You must make your own choices, but you have the luxury of their experience.
Kalpak Nikumbh, works at Pune, Maharashtra, India
You need to handle your ‘getting fed up.’ First, handle your own frustration. Be really clear of why you want to marry your boyfriend. I hope you know each other, or have been in a relationship long enough.
My friend had a similar problem — inter-religion situation. Both she and her boyfriend left to go the USA for work / MBA. She refused to come to India during holidays until her parents gave their consent for her wedding with her boyfriend. She actually did not come home from the US for 5 years! When her parents wanted to travel to the US to visit her, she sent invitation letters for her parents Visa for only two week-long visits or even less!
It was bad, but she stood her ground. Adamant as a rock.
Okay, now the other side of the story.
How are you sure you will have a happy life after marrying your boyfriend?
While I gave you one example as above, I know more cases where marrying the boyfriend against the parents’ wishes isn’t all rosy. The girls feel trapped because they burnt bridges with their parents and married their boyfriends, and now they feel guilty about sharing their troubles with their in-laws with their parents. Their logic is, “I fought with my parents for this life, and now if I am not completely happy here, I cannot ask for my parents’ support.” The relationship with their now-husband is now coloured with life with the other in-laws. So, frustration in any case.
Of course, you cannot know all the answers to how life will be.
The only thing you have to be sure of is whether the two of you want to live with each other through thick and thin.
If I was:
29 years old
I loved my parents
I love a person that they reject only due to a difference in caste/wealth/money issue (materialism)
*I would do this (but this is just what I would do, I do not recommend anything to anyone. This is just my personal opinion on the matter if I was put in such hypotethical situation:
I would work hard, save some money for few months of living expenses also for traveling tickets etc…
I would tell my parents clearly that I love them, and that I will leave the country in order to create a life where money issues will not decide whom I shall love and share my life with, that life is too short to let money rule my chance of finding happiness. I will work hard to become stable and I will come visit when possible. That no matter what the neighbors and “friends” say : Remember that I do love you.
I would leave my country (with the person I love; of course only if that person also wishes to leave with me to create a life together).
Why leaving instead of staying and fighting your parents and society for decades?
Simple: A society can change overtime, yes… but it might take waaay too much time and effort and suffering to do so. Why fighting hundreds of thousands of people if you have the option to go somewhere else where your lifestyle is accepted (this is assuming that you do have the right and ability to move to another country and start over again).
I believe every society has the heroes that fight against bad rules to change them, yes… I agree and admire them all. BUT if YOU feel “fed up to even live” (as you stated in your question) maybe fighting is not what you are looking for and maybe some peace and acceptance is what you need.
Jeff Johnson, BA Linguistics & East Asian Studies, University of California, Santa Cruz (2000)
Get a job in IT because it's new it pulls you out of the Caste system and leave India. Go somewhere where there isn't Caste social status. And somewhere where foreigners are more welcome.
Diana M. Schmitz, studied Creative Writing
Move to America and marry him.
Shyam Parengattil Nair, works at Zee Learn
If you are sure that he will be there with you all the time and If he is settled atleast you both can survive without starving then go ahead and marry him. Parents can be convinced later. You can also ask your boyfriends family to speak to your family.
Lucy Pulver, BS from Wellesley College (1900)
I do understand how different India is from the US where I live (I try to anyway), but I am in favor of leaving your parents for the man. It is my belief that eventually your parents will accept him. Sometimes all it takes is the first baby, if you plan to have children. Your parents are being UNFAIR to you. Totally. If they are so traditional, why haven’t they helped find a suitable husband all these years? They may just want to keep you home forever.
Different religions are easier to understand than different castes, and I am sure that the caste system will mostly disappear within this generation or the next, or at least lose a lot of relevance.